The Why's and the Therefore's

For every cause, there is a reaction. Such as, "I think, therefore I am." For me it could be, "I'm happy, therefore I eat." or "I'm sad, therefore, I eat." I am, therefore I eat. It's a vicious circle that I live in. Kind of like a hamster running as fast as it can on the little wheel and ending up exhausted having gone absolutely nowhere. That's how I feel, and I hate it.

I guess I've become so programmed to link every emotion with the action of eating that it's almost like I can't feel unless I've eaten. Or perhaps I can't be soothed unless I've eaten. Either way, the result is the same. I eat.

I'm disabled and I am on social security. I don't make enough money to be able to live by myself, so I live with my mother. I'm grateful for her generosity in letting me stay with her. ( I do pay rent, I'm not just leaching off her! ) We both have very different ways of living and dealing with things. So, since my husband left (which wasn't altogether a bad thing) I have had to live with my mother. It's going on 7 years now, and that's a long time.

When I was married, it was hard to talk to my husband because I never knew what I would say that would set him off. So, instead of talking I ate. Now, with my mom, I never know what I'm going to say that will hurt her feelings, so I eat. I love my mom, don't get me wrong. It's just very hard to express to her sometimes how I feel about something because she will get defensive and say that she's just a horrible mother and she always has been. No, my mom has not been a horrible mother at all. Was she perfect; no. Whose mother is? Horrible? Not likely.

So, I eat to keep my mouth occupied rather than say something to upset her. Heaven knows, I already say enough to upset her without meaning to!

Likewise, when I lived in NY I ate because I was lonely. When I lived in Tulsa, I ate because I was stressed. When I lived in FL, I ate because I was thrown in 12 directions and when I lived in WA I ate because I was depressed. When I was in high school, I ate because I didn't have a boyfriend and when I was in my early 20's I ate because I had extra cash.

Sherry said something to me once that I've never forgotten, I've just never been able to apply. We met when I lived in NY. I worked as the new church secretary at her place of Worship. She was an aerobics instructor, a natural bodybuilder, and became my best friend and big sister. She said that as Christians we place all of our church social events around food. We have pot luck dinners, we have donuts and coffee before Sunday School or Bible class, we provide food to the different groups that meet, and go out for lunch after Sunday church service and go out for pie after evening church service. We can't have a social event without having food.

She's right. Think about it. I have. A lot over the years. I've just not been able to manage a right relationship with food. Probably because, as right as I've thought my relationship with God has been at times, it wasn't right enough to overcome the problem.

I have to be able to give everything; good feelings and bad, trials and tribulations, over to God and lay them at the foot of the Cross. That is my prayer for the start of every day, and throughout each moment of every day.